What Matters Most

i just finished a fantastic book last night called “what matters most” by james hollis. i’ve read a couple of his other books “finding meaning in the second half of life” and “why good people do bad things.” “what matters most” is a challenging read for many reasons, but worthwhile, especially for those of us over 40.

dr. hollis talks about how most of us are driven to action or retreat primarily by fear and the reasons we should overcome our fears to live more consciously. i like his concept of how all of us experience time sequentially, but living this way results in us looking around us in our mid-lives saying “where did all the time go?” Maybe there’s a way we can slow down the ticking clock – by focusing on experiencing our lives meaningfully and less sequentially (ie – not “it’s monday, may 18, 2009 – where has this year gone?” but instead “wow, look at what we’ve accomplished during this year – my son has almost completed second grade and will be entering a ‘talented youth’ program sponsored by johns hopkins this summer, my daughters have met new friends in their new preschool and have added hundreds of words, what a great time we all had together on our bahamian cruise, my husband has learned so much about public retirement funding in the last several months, i’ve learned so much through social networking since february, etc).

another concept of dr. hollis’ that i like is that we spend our first 40 or so years figuring out our “provisional” sense of self (he says provisional because through both triumph and tragedy we quickly learn that our self-concept is subject to change) and the next 40 years or more, if we’re lucky, figuring out how we can take the gifts of that self-concept and apply them in service to our fellow man. this is a place where i’m stuck right now. i serve my fellow man in the moment by spending 24/7 raising three beautiful, healthy, secure, happy children. fair enough, and a noble effort in and of itself. but…when i return to work on october 26, how will i serve my fellow man then? by writing reports, finding the right words to say in a council committee, entering information into a database, calling out a liaison department for not filling out a form correctly? how do i find self-expression and service in a job with such clear boundaries? haven’t figured that one out yet.

i’ll close with a few quotes from the chapter “shock and awe – that life not be governed by fear”:

* the fear that can be acknowledged, the fear that can be named, is no longer so monstrous.
* only boldness can deliver us from fear, and if the risk is not taken, the meaning of life is violated
* nothing in life is to be feared. it is only to be understood (madame curie)
* be kind, for everyone you meet has a really big problem! (philo of alexandria)